Sunday survival kit

Good morning. It is a Sunday early morning and the rain is hammering down outside. I am secretly pleased with the excellent excuse provided for an extra cup of tea and a new post...

Here is my Sunday survival kit. The radio is on, the tea is warm and my journal is at the ready. The other thing you can see is 'A Room of One's Own' by of course, Virginia Woolf. As much as I hate to admit it, this is a book I simply cannot get into. I have tried so many times to pick it up and get stuck in, but i get distracted and lost in it- and not in a good, reading taking you to another realm kind of way. Something about saying (typing) this 'out loud' makes me feel like an inadequate grown up because I seem to be programmed to feel guilty about not finishing books, particularly classics like this one.

This reminded me of something I have kept a dark secret for many years- when I was at school, we studied Middlemarch for our GCSEs. A classic, complex tale held in high regard by all and sundry. We studied it in so much depth that I can still quote the book "it is a narrow mind which cannot look at a subject from various points of view..." Etc. And I wrote about the book, discussed it in class and in the end, did pretty well in my exams. But the truth is this..I never read it. I. Did. Not. Read. It. Oh I tried, I picked it up, put it down, walked about it a bit, picked it back up, and started to read, then realised I wasn't reading but thinking about some boy from my IT class that might ask me to the Valentine's disco, then tried again to focus. Two words: lost. Cause. Not the book, not me (necessarily) but the book and myself as a partnership. Like a relationship that is good on paper but feels icky somehow, we were simply not meant to be, and I knew it.

I have carried this secret for a long time, possibly because the very same literary learning teaches us to commit to books and see them through. This obviously has a lot of value, because some of the most challenging books turn out to be the most inspiring- we need to stick at it. BUT not always. 

I confided this truth to my father. Being one of the most avid readers I know, I felt an adult adoption was imminent. But what he said to me, actually, was that if you cannot enjoy it, and you have given it a good shot, then, why bother? When there are so many beautiful books that would suit you better? 

And so, Virginia, I apologise. I am a feminist and I admire everything you have done and said, I really do. I just don't want to read about it. It isn't you, it's me. I want to see other authors. 

fidget fidget...

A couple of friends of mine are currently in the early stages of a break up...It reminded me of the 'fidgety stage' which is basically just that horrible time when you literally cannot sit still. Your mind wanders and twitches with every possible thought, fear or outburst of anger, or you are simply fighting back tears...Either way it is awfully hard to actually sit still with yourself for more than three minutes.

there are a few things I found that helped...first and foremost, remembering that at some point, the bursts of anxiety pass. They have to. Our bodies are (luckily) programmed not to panic or stress out for too long, and so when you are truly in the midst of it all...palms sweating, mind racing, and full of fear, try to hold onto the fact that it will pass and you will feel calm again. That is not to say it is easy, it is a horrible feeling and will keep on bugging you for some time, but the important thing to remember is it will ease eventually.  I read somewhere that you should breath in blue, breathe out red...sounds cheesy but actually it sort of helps! Breathe in something calm and breathe out the negative energy....

first few days...

The first few days, often weeks, are tough. There are no words to describe how empty and clouded it will feel. There is a distinct feeling of disbelief, and panic. Everything you once knew - both in your present and your future - has altered. As part of a couple, you had so many colors and images in front of you, forming your future with another person, and that picture has been taken away. Suddenly there is emptiness and a blank canvas, and it's terrifying.

The thing to remember at this point is that every feeling, every dark thought, is totally and utterly normal. What you are experiencing is incredibly hard, deeply painful, but don't put pressure upon yourself to feel anything else. Let the emotion wash over you and do one thing only - be kind to yourself. Imagine you were greeted with a friend in your position, so desperately lost and afraid, and imagine how you would treat them. You would be kind, let them sleep, shelter them from any more pain, and let them talk or cry, or sit silently, whatever they needed to do. You would not punish them with ideas of what they did wrong, you would not remind them to contact their ex partner and beg them back, and you would not encourage them to stop taking care of themselves. 

So you need to do this for yourself. You will not feel like it yet, you won't feel like doing anything, but do what you can to be kind to you. Go to a safe place, preferably where somebody can take care of you, and let yourself grieve. 

break up blue sky...

When you break up and lose the person you love, the world as you know it, falls apart. There is no reason to get up and there is only darkness and numbness where before there was light and joy. 

I am now on the other side of a hideous break up, and I have drawn huge strength from online blogs, friend's ears and words, and in the end, from myself. I wanted to start this blog as a way to help other people out there, and to tell you that no matter how grey things seem right now, and how painful your break up blues are, there is going to be a break up blue sky one day. 

And so I am here to give back what I was given and am so very grateful for, and I am here for you now to help, in whatever way that I can.